PTSD from COVID-19
Today’s post is a little bit different from my typical fun and uplifting content. However, it is an essential post I need to write in order to get back to blogging after taking some time off (and it will explain my time off in general). As it stands now, I am suffering from (anxiety-induced) PTSD from COVID-19. People can (and will) roll their eyes at that statement- I actually did the first time my therapist asked if it was a possibility. But the more research I did and the more time I have spent thinking about it, the more it made sense.
Before I continue, I’m not writing this article for pity or to downplay PTSD in other more severe situations. I’m simply writing this to discuss what has been weighing heavily on me in my personal life and to hopefully give others reading this the words to articulate what they may be going through as well.
In today’s article, I am talking about:
- My mental health background (skip this if you truly don’t care or have read it before)
- Some background on pandemic PTSD
- The details of my experience and what I’m doing to change
My Mental Health Background
When starting this blog, I had all the intention in the world of making mental health a priority on my platform. Once the pandemic happened, though, it felt like a tough area to touch on because of the sensitive nature of everything happening in the world. As the oldest child and a total know-it-all type, I had been writing about my mental health struggles with the intention of helping others and using my knowledge and personal experiences for something good. But during the COVID-19 pandemic, I didn’t know how to write about these topics because I was struggling on my own.
These articles, though meant to be relatable, are also supposed to offer support and suggestions to others going through similar situations. This past year, I didn’t have solutions. I didn’t have support to offer or any suggestions at all. I only had one mode and mantra: make it through. This past year has been a total callback to both my history of chronic anxiety and emotional sensitivity.
How this Relates
I’m currently working on an updated article about my experience living with chronic anxiety (and no, anxiety is not the same as stress, and chronic anxiety is not the same as “having anxiety”). This is relevant because people who live with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) often are more susceptible to things like today’s topic of pandemic PTSD, particularly if they are also highly emotionally sensitive. I am both.
Some Background on what caused my Pandemic PTSD
Back on topic – “post” pandemic PTSD. I say “post” because I truly do not think it is over yet, and that is partially where the PTSD comes from. Welcome to the wild ride that is my brain. It’s a fun place… wish you could visit.
Life Going into the Pandemic and Current Status
My experience with pandemic PTSD stems from the real life situations that occurred during or as a result of the pandemic. At the beginning of 2020, I was in the best shape of my life. “Hot girl summer”? For the first time in my life I was experiencing what it was like to be her. (Truly – I finally was in shape to wear a bikini for the first summer of my existence.) My now-husband was happy for the first time in his working-life as a new employee at a consulting firm. I had beat cancer just months before and was engaged to marry the love of my life! At this rate, despite the economic disadvantages handed to the millennial generation, we were on track to be able to buy a home before 30. I felt blessed beyond belief.
Many years went into building a beautiful life together and finally getting to the happiest and healthiest points of our lives, and it only took one month for all of that to be ripped out from under us. (I’m working on an article about all of this, but I’ve rewritten it 3x and still am not satisfied – stay tuned.) Throughout this time, much trauma and drama occurred, including, but not limited to, my job ending early – leaving my now husband and I both simultaneously unemployed, family drama surrounding a seriously toxic dating relationship causing my parents to act out of character, and wedding planning stress amplified by the very same character that brought forth the family drama (said character will get his own series in due time).
Job, health, happiness, and overall life security can disappear in a flash. Not to sound extreme, but I’m not sure I would even still be here today if it wasn’t for Harry, my sweet husband, and Winston, our corgi. I lost all will to live at some point in the past 18 months, and at times still feel like I haven’t completely gained it back.
Right now, I’m a solid 12 lbs heavier, financially a large double digit sum lighter, and a whole lot more medicated as I write this piece.
The good news I have to deliver is that my wine consumption has finally decreased from the peak pandemic (mostly because we can’t afford it), my panic attacks have gone from once a week down to once a month (I averaged 3ish per year pre pandemic so making headway), the idiot that caused all of my family drama has left the picture, and, most importantly… my therapist thinks I’m hilarious. So, worth it, right…?
What Pandemic PTSD Looks Like
I want to begin this next section by stating I am in no way medically educated to diagnose this type of condition; I am simply attempting to educate from my own experience and to hopefully help others going through the same thing 🙂 I also want to state that I KNOW this next paragraph is filled with unhealthy thinking, but I’m simply giving insight into what I’ve been working through (and am only beginning to realize is wrong) day in and day out!
A Look Inside My Brain
After all the trauma and drama that the past year and a half brought, my brain is terrified that it is not over and paranoid that history is going to repeat itself. As I write this post, I am aware that my thinking is illogical and it’s something I am actively working on with the help of a professional. So, knowing all of that… here are a few of the actual thoughts I have frequently (and what I’m doing to recover)…
“Go to the gym? Why work so hard at something that can be taken away from you so quickly?”
My body is probably the number one thing I hate the most coming out of this past year. I cry a lot of times if I glance at myself getting into the shower because of how hard I worked to be the person I wanted to be, and I lost it all so quickly.
What I am Doing to Recover:
The gym is somewhere I go to when I feel up to it! My goal right now is to build my stamina to even get out of bed in the morning. With it being summer in Texas, I have to walk Winston early. Getting him up and out makes him happy, which makes me happy. If a mile walk is all I can do, it’s all I’m going to do. When Harry works out with me it makes me 1000x more willing to go, so encouraging him to go with me in order to make me want to go is something I’m working on regularly.
Harry and I also have a Peloton, so even if I don’t feel like doing a class, I will sometimes get on it and pedal while reading a book. Though this has been harder since Peloton has made it so you HAVE to listen to music during scenic rides, I still *try* to make it work.
“Why cook dinner if I’m just going to get hungry again AND have to clean up from what I just made?”
Harry and I have eaten a lot more bagged salads and takeout as a result of everything, since cooking – something I used to love – induces meltdowns these days. If I messed something up in 2019, fine! It’s all good! But now, I feel like I wasted the few resources we had on a mistake I made and can’t fix. Harry and I are both very good savers, but this past year has wiped us out completely. Anything luxury – even something like salmon – makes me nervous to cook because what if I mess it up?
What I am Doing to Recover:
Routine is necessary. I’m making the same things every week that takes minimal cleanup to avoid mistakes.
“Socializing exhausts me right now. Some days I can barely make it through the day without wanting to crawl back in bed and go to sleep.”
Apparently, this is normal for everyone – even extroverts – post pandemic. Your life changed during this time! Going from zero socialization to “normal” levels can take a toll on your energy.
What I am Doing to Recover:
I am still the extrovert I used to be deep down. People give me energy! I am working on scheduling at least one event / get together per week. It gives me something to look forward to without overwhelming myself.
“What if we shut down all over again?”
For this one, there is no real response. I am coming to grips by reminding myself that I cannot worry about things that are out of my control. As someone who lives with the goal of making others happy, I am coming to the realization that I need to put myself first more. Through this change, my mental health is slowly improving, and my anxiety (on this subject) is shrinking. I know it’ll take years for me to fully move past all this, but right now, one day at a time is all I need.
What You can do as a Friend/Onlooker of someone with Pandemic PTSD
If you have noticed a friend or family member acting differently since the pandemic, check on them! A lot of times, people don’t want to bother you with their issues, especially if they are aware that what is causing them pain may be considered irrational (like me). Sometimes, all it takes is a little push to get someone to speak their truth and feel a whole heck of a lot better.
PTSD from COVID-19
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