The Butterfly Year: Let’s Make 2022 the Year of Self Transformation
The past few years have been hard on everyone. Looking back – it is honestly insane the number of things we’ve all had to overcome. I’m a huge fan of giving grace not only to each other but to ourselves. That said, these past few years – and especially last year – I really didn’t live by this motto. 2022 is going to be my butterfly year: the year of self transformation.
In today’s article, I want to talk about:
- A little summary of these past few years (and what they’ve taught me)
- The symbolism behind the butterfly
- What I am doing to make this year a true year of self transformation
**TRIGGER WARNING: This post includes mentions of alcoholism, suicidal ideation, and intense depression.** If triggered, please skip down to the section about the symbolism behind the butterfly.
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A Little Summary of the 2020s: Why this Current Year is so Important to Me
I’ve tried to write this article several times and have always given up. It gets really personal, and I never want my blog to seem too heavy. I also do know that if I can help even one person out with what I am writing (why I write articles like my one about making yourself a priority in the first place) then I know there is a reason I put it out there for the world to see. So here we go: a little summary of my 2020s:
2020
The year 2020 was supposed to be my year. We all said that, and truly believe we all meant it!
At the time, I was traveling and working for the Transformation Office at a global company. Also at that point in my life, my job was my life and identity. Meetings at 10 PM, tollgate reviews at 4 in the morning… I revolved everything in my world around it. If I wasn’t working 12 hours a day and taking a break at 5 AM to hit the gym, my day just didn’t feel complete. Then the COVID pandemic hit… and it hit hard. I was lucky enough to keep my job through the peak, but my fiance was not so lucky.
Even though I was happy I was still making an income, I had lost the part of my job I had loved the most – the travel… the personal relationships. I loved meeting people from other cultures and seeing the world whenever I was offered the opportunity. Slowly, part of me began to die.
Where I Went Mentally
By the end of the year when my position was announced redundant and I was told my last official day was January 4, 2021, I really didn’t know what to think. I was scared about my finances with my husband-to-be… I was scared to be without health insurance during a global pandemic… What I feared, though, isn’t what hurt me the most.
As I said earlier, my job had become my identity. Even during the toughest, roughest, and weirdest parts of 2020, I still had it to rely on. Losing it without choice took away part of me I didn’t plan on. I felt like a failure. Even though I hadn’t been loving it in the same way I had before, I am a glass half full type of person. Losing it meant things could never go back to the way they had been. It meant my identity – because of how invested I made myself – had been taken away.
Now, I know I’ve always been a sentimental person. Change really is not my strong suit (which is ironic considering a large chunk of my role was change management). This, though, felt different. I didn’t feel like I was being sentimental. Instead, I felt like I was going through a loss. The people I loved, my day-to-day… everything.
2021
2021 was the hardest year I’ve ever lived through. That sounds dramatic… and I can be dramatic… but it’s 100% the truth.
I knew I had so much to be grateful for throughout the year. I got married, had a new husband, a beautiful wedding… the start of a new life. Plus – again, the optimist side of me – I somehow was able to continuously dodge getting the bloody virus and all of its variants, so I guess I was putting my mask on right.
Times emotionally and internally weren’t as beautiful as social media may have made them seem. Throughout the year, I underwent severe panic attacks, pandemic PTSD, and a full on identity crisis.
The Lowest Point:
At my lowest, I had a drinking problem, was sleeping 18 hours a day, and finding it physically impossible to correspond with people. I had no joy in anything other than my sweet corgi, Winston. He would lay with me while I cried and sleep nestled against me. The entire time I wanted to be happy to make him happy, but had no idea how to do so. Our apartment became a mess. I started forgetting what day it was. My entire body was bloated from the constant crying and drinking and the antidepressants I was having thrown my way. I would wake up drenched in sweat from my body trying to purge the excess it was holding onto, but no amount of water would help. I wouldn’t move or eat for days at a time.
Friends and family would try to get me to talk about what I was going through, but there weren’t words to describe it. Part of me didn’t talk because I didn’t want to burden others, and the other part knew I physically and mentally couldn’t.
There came a time where I wasn’t showering, eating, or able to be awake for more than a couple hours at a time without crying or having a full blown panic attack. At that time, I was on suicide watch. If I hadn’t found a doctor to re medicate me within 48 hours I was going to commit myself because I saw no other alternatives. I didn’t know who I was anymore.
Everything I had worked so hard for – my job, my body, my life, my financial stability, my mental health… everything was gone. Hannah was gone. If you have ever wanted to see what a corpse without a soul looks like… I can promise you I was about as close to that as a person could get.
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2022
Thus far, 2022 hasn’t been a dream. Honestly, I’m terrified of where the world is going. It’s hard to feel light and work on the day to day when events in the world are so deep and dark. I’m praying for the people of Ukraine. I’m praying for my former coworkers in Prague who are so close to everything going on and still expected to carry out their day-to-days.
All of that said, I am still determined that this is my year – my butterfly year. The year I stop letting the world and circumstances going on in my life and around me determine my self worth. This year I am determined to be different and rediscover myself. I am ready to make 2022 the year of self transformation. Let’s start this journey, and make it the year of growth from the inside out.
What Does a Butterfly Signify? The Butterfly Spirit Animal and Symbol's Meaning
The butterfly is a symbol of change and transformation. They literally go from one being and morph into another. When I say I want this year to be my butterfly year, I literally mean I want to have self transformation inside and out. This is mentally, physically, and routinely. I want to exit this year a new and better version of myself.
A Spirit Animal by definition protects and guides a human on their journey. So, throughout this year when I feel like I am lost and in need of reassurance, I will channel my “internal butterfly”. As crazy as it may seem, so far it is working.
How I am Making this Self Transformation Happen
Manifestation
The first thing I am doing is starting to manifest greatness and abundance. Manifestation is something you either believe works or you don’t, but I 100% believe it does and can make such an impact on your life. What initially got me started doing this was I watched a video by another Dallas blogger who used manifestation to grow her business (linked here). She truly inspired me! From there, I got into reading about manifestation and found the two top rated self transformation / manifestation books – which I am working my way through right now. These are The Secret and 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I am using that motivation to truly change my mindset and believe I am capable of anything.
Spirituality
Getting back into my faith and trusting in God has been the next step I have taken on this journey. I’ve always been faithful, but I would say in recent years I’ve let my faith slip and haven’t been making God a priority. Keeping Jesus as a focus reminds me of His sacrifice and why I should never let a day go by without living it to the fullest. I truly believe that – no matter your faith or spirituality – you should always let that be a guiding light in your life.
The book I’m focusing on this year is quite literally called Take Your Life Back Day by Day. Whether you are a Christian or not, I highly recommend this book. Each day has a short devotional, and then a prompt that really gets you thinking about your life and how you conduct yourself. Through taking time to work through this book, I have realized how much I have put myself and my happiness on the backburner, and am now actively working to make changes.
If you are interested at all in this book (and all of its wonderful reviews) you can check it out here.
Fitness
Physically, I am in the worst shape of my life. Truly. I’m not just saying that… the worst. It’s defeating, because pre-pandemic I was strong, proud of my body and the things it could do, and utilized the gym as a place to decompress. Though I did suffer from body dysmorphia (and still do, honestly), I still knew I was healthy and fit.
This is one of the hardest parts of my self transformation journey. Physical fitness isn’t just about the body… It’s also about the mind. My mind just isn’t ready for the level of intensity it is going to take to get back where I was. That said, I am taking small steps in the right direction, and I am being positive about my progress. I have to remind myself change isn’t going to happen overnight. Going on a short walk is better than no walk. Getting tired after 20 minutes of cardio is better than not doing cardio at all… those sorts of things.
Routine
A routine is something that I have desperately lacked these past few years. It’s been tremendously tough to create a routine while self employed and depressed (and while planning a wedding). Some days I would get a lot done, and others I would simply wallow. Working out and being consistent with creating content I know will keep me on track and on schedule this year.
I drank so much last year. I was drowning myself and I’m trying not to. I tied my own identity to my job and now I left that job and at my new place I feel a bigger identity crisis… I don’t like what I do.
Oh no!! That’s so freaking tough. I 100% understand the identity crisis of tying yourself to your job as your identity. Let me DM you <3